I was reminded today that someone still remembers me. I miss her but after so many years of being sidelined in her life, I am still having second thoughts of rekindling the relationship.
She is getting older, frail and missing many moments especially involving my children. My thoughts are on the many moments when I was told to close my eyes, forget things and just go on like nothing happens. For years it is embedded within me that I am the ugly duckling.
I am still thinking on whether I should give in and step into the painful acceptance that all is well. Pretend like the whole world is happy place. Be the actress I am suppose to be. It will be hard.
Remembering the years where she has sacrifice her life to help bring me up, taught me hardship and pain, reminded me how life would be if I do better and the freedom to live my life if I do well. I did just that, worked hard to be out of the house, out of the life of being treated second-love all the time.
Maybe if I try hard enough to imagine some good times. maybe I should just make her happy while she still remembers me and healthy enough to chat with my children. Maybe , just maybe I would step back in the house numb – I will just pretend to be someone else.
Maybe that would be best for her.