The First Man I Love

He was tall, dark, handsome and had hair even Elvis would envy. He was my first love and I still love him….will love him till the day I die. His name – Ahmad Bin Rasol. He is the coolest looking detective driving an Alfa Romeo. He puts Horatio Caine to shame.

He was the first man I loved… Dad.

Abah passed away on the night of 31st July 1979. It was fasting month just like this year. I remember a blurred vision of police lights outside my grandma’s house. My aunt asking me to change to some clothings I can’t recall and I can hear distant sobbing of my grandmother. I was too scared to ask. I was brought to my Abah’s barrack house and recall a huge number of people there. My Stepmom was being loud as usual and crying. No one tells me anything. My grandma asks my stepmom to have patience and pray Abah would be safe. My stepmom shouted back “He’s dead, he’s dead”.

I can’t remember anything after that. I can’t remember crying or asking questions. Blank till this day.

I do remember the next day, my stepmom looking incredibly calm and telling everyone she has made up her mind that Abah will be buried beside my mother because it was his wish. I have never loved and respect my Stepmom more than that day and that moment. She stood by her decision with more than 5 people against her decision. Al-Fatihah to my Stepmom….she missed my dad very much.

32 years after he left, i recall very specific memories of my dad and me. The white dress with small red roses – the only dress he bought because my Stepmom allows it. I wore it to pieces. I remember the sporty sound of his Alfa Romeo roaring to my grandma’s porch, saying hi and kissing my forehead because he can’t stay long. Or when he is pressed for time and just put money in my grandma’s hands. He left with only a glance and a smile. Sufficient enough for me!

I can’t help but feel some sadness on Pahlawan Day. Not sad on what could have been but a few seconds of his hugs would be nice. Even at this age.

I love you Abah…I pray you are happy in Jannah with Mama. Al-Fatihah…


4 thoughts on “The First Man I Love

  1. Dear Nura, Al fatihah to your parents.Such a poignant piece about your love to your parents. May your kids have the same to you and hubby, insya allah.

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