Coping With Loss

In the last few months, there have been many deaths of people I know and some famous people. I think death is something real and we have to learn to accept death as part of life. I do still struggle when dealing with death even when dealing with someone who is not close to me. I grew up without a mom, lost my dad when I was 13 and then lost my Grandfather and Grandmother in my 30’s. Every time there is death, I go into this mental processing mode on facts, feelings and spiritual healing.

I believe there is no right way or wrong way to personally deal with death. Individually we do our best to equip ourselves with possibility of any loss. The most important thing is to accept the differences and give a lot of understanding. The one thing not to do is to deny it will happen at any time. At some point, you have to start thinking about the preparation.

I do not know how I would cope with a loss the next time around. It could possibly be someone close. Although I feel I am always prepared, I think I would probably be in some deep sadness period. I pray I will pass that period gradually but fast. There are so many ways to learn on how to cope with a loss. I am certainly not an expert. I do feel at this point of my life, writing down the best way I handle loss is a way to share and reminds me when the time comes again. Below are what I prepare to face any loss…

  • Acknowledge how I feel.
    I think it is important to acknowledge how I feel. It is not how I should feel but what I am truly feeling. I do not want others to tell me what I should feel or how to feel. I must figure out what I am feeling on my own. By doing this, I concentrate on my own feelings and me. In the end, it is simpler. For as I heal, I help the people around me heal together.
  • Stay Healthy
    You can be sad and mad but stay healthy. There are cases where society plays an important role in this. How can she eat during this period? What other people think is no important. I know from experience that when I am not healthy I do not function well, miserable, unable to communicate or think clearly. When I am unhealthy, I am mentally unhealthy and will not be able to heal properly.
  • Good Support System
    This usually falls back to the closest people around me. Emotionally I do depend a lot on my friends as I only have one sibling. This is the part I worry the most, as I do not have a large support system. I hope they will be there to listen when I need them and encourage me to physically and emotionally heal (or smack me when I lost all hope!!). I think it is important to converse about loss with family members. I do ask myself some questions like how many aging people who are close to me and tell myself this is part of life. You love them but they will not live forever.
  • Faith
    For me, finding comfort and solace can only come from my faith. In every faith, there are methods one can learn to cope with a loss. I find that that being spiritually strong helps in the search of ways to mentally deal with all thoughts. Prayers and zikr can help to reduce stress. Sometimes it is good to talk with our religious teachers. Being closer to my Creator makes me calmer and able to think clearer.
  • Understand that healing takes time
    I find some time that people try to move on with their life too soon. They put aside their feelings, physical health and project a “strong” front. Discussion on the loss is required, if not it will possibly lead to depression. I do not want to be strong when all I feel is grief and sadness. All I want to do is deal with the grief and sadness. Cry if I want to. Take leave and be alone if that is what I feel to do. There is no target date to heal but remember the target is to cope with the loss and finally moving on.

Many experts talk about many stages of coping with loss. Usually it is the 5 stages:
a. Denial
b. Anger
c. Bargaining
d. Depression
e. Acceptance

The stage that I am afraid the most is the depression stage but those stages are not something that a person has to go through. It just varies from one person to another.

When we lose someone we love, we are face with many unexplained feelings, thoughts, questions, blame, anger, sadness and so much more. Although we say we cannot prepare for death, we have to accept death as part of life. We have to remember that it is more painful for those left behind; therefore, a little preparation will ease the loss.
Will it ever be enough? I do not know. I do the best I can with the knowledge I have.


Picture from: http://galleryhip.com/growth.html

Advertisements

Innalillahi wainnailaihi rojiun

It is painful to know that your friend is facing a very sad event of her life and you cannot be near her….to console her. To just be around and lend a hand. To provide a shoulder to cry on.

Listening how my other friends describe how she is coping …I am extremely proud. She is strong.

My dear friend,
I cannot express how sad I am for your loss. I am beyond words. I could not imagine how you are feeling and how you are holding on and staying strong. Know that I am here for you though from afar.

Know that I am hugging you….praying that Allah will grant you peace and patience. You do not have to always stay strong….know that you are human.

Allah will take care of him. Allah will take care of you and your family.

Innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun.

Remembering My Dad on Hari Pahlawan

Malaysia celebrates Hari Pahlawan (somewhat like Veteran’s Day) to salute the fallen heroes of our country. My dad passed away on this date too, 33 years ago. He was a detective in the local police force. I miss him dearly. Al-Fatihah

I sit in a corner praying hard
That my heart would stop beating so fast
He must be hurt really bad
Making everyone cry so loud

I can’t wait for the sun to come out
So we can go and see him
I’ll hug him tight
Make him all better again

Then she shouted
He’s dead, he’s dead
And I just hold my knees together
Trying to hold the tears

Now I am really alone
I am really an orphan
resting my head on my knee
holding to a love gone.

Nura Ahmad, 1st August 2012, 10:59pm

News paper clipping translation: Detective shot dead by robbers.